I CAN MOONWALK!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize