so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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