You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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