I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
