you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
