Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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