Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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