No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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