I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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