he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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