Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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