dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
