I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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