Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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