im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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