How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
