I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
