I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
