I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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