an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
