i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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