i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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