11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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