You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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