I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
