Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
