I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
