This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
