Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
foreskin is a definite game changer
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
