last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
