Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
