CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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