Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
