so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
