my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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