Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize