Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Who died my cat blue again?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
