The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
