we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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