He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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