She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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