he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
