I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
