The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
