Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
