Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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