Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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