I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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