I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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