My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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