I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i love accidental penises.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
