You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
