We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
