break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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