my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
