Having a random hookup so left but love u
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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