My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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