i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
