That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
