My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
